Christian Community Networking

 Hasani Pettiford

Black, Single & Unsatisfied (Part 1)

There is a nation of single Black women who want and deserve to be partnered, loved, adored and valued by good Black men. But this mission appears to be an uphill battle with no foreseeable end in sight. For the last ten years I have received many phone calls, emails, and letters from distraught Black women who are frustrated with their relationships and the men in their lives. Some are so frustrated that they have even resolved to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately, this shift in behavior is in part due to the experiences of one bad relationship after another. Right now Black women are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Many women have given up on the belief that good Black men are available. Contrary to popular belief, not all Black men are gay, gang-affiliated, on drugs, in prison, dead-beats, good-for-nothing, cheaters, only interested in White women or already married.

Even though we’ve socially accepted these beliefs as truth, countless Black men don’t fall into these categories. Interestingly, the number one question that I receive from single Black women is “Where are these so-called good Black men at?”

The truth of the matter is that they’re everywhere. You pass them on the street, in the grocery store, in the gym, at church, in school and at the library. When real men hear the statement There are no good Black men out there, they are highly offended. Sadly, the women who have bought into the ‘Black male shortage’ concept have either failed to see or desire the good Black men who are available.

Ironically, there are also many Black men who are beginning to say that it is hard to find a good Black woman. Obviously, there is something that is causing us to overlook each other. My objective in this chapter is to help every woman who is interested in identifying and selecting a good Black man, become able to do so.

Many women who have successfully partnered with a good Black man have unfortunately experienced lots of hardship in the process. Their journey has been met with hurt, pain, betrayal, abandonment and disappointment. As horrible as this may be, there are several contributing factors as to why this scenario continues to play out.

There are so many women who are in search of something they will never find: their I.B.M. (Ideal Black Man). Good Black men have often been passed up, overlooked and straight-up dissed by women who were in search of something better. As a result, Black women have become upset, frustrated and discontented by their failure to find and secure someone who only exists on television, in urban fiction, and in the imaginary minds of countless women who have been totally misled.

The Ideal Black Man is no more real than the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Much like the Ideal Black Man, we’ve all heard the stories and seen the representation of these made-up characters but have never met them in real life. Think about it. The Tooth Fairy and Santa only show up when you are sound asleep. In essence, you have to be in a deep dreamlike state in order for them to appear. Once you awaken, they are gone. Likewise, women are simply dreaming if they think they will ever find the Ideal Black Man.

The word ‘Ideal’, as defined by the American Heritage College Dictionary, has a multitude of definitions: 1) a concept of something in its absolute perfection; 2) one seen as a standard or model of perfection or excellence. 3) existing only in the mind; imaginary; and 4) lacking practicality or the possibility of realization.

The search for someone ideal often causes women to raise the bar so high that it becomes unattainable, impractical and downright ridiculous for any man to fulfill their expectations. This, in turn, causes frustration to surface on both the part of men and women. Men often feel as if they will never measure up and leave believing that women’s expectations are too high.

Likewise, women’s failure to secure an ideal man causes them to internalize negative feelings about themselves as well as men which often results in irrational behavior and poor decision making.

More often than not, this has caused women to go from one extreme to the next. While they were once in pursuit of an ideal that does not exist, they have later resolved that there simply aren’t any good Black men at all. They have wed themselves to a belief that a good Black man is HARD to find. In reality, good Black men are everywhere. Ideal Black Men are hard to find. Nonetheless, this negative perception of Black men has deeply influenced the choices women make in dating. These women have gone from setting an unattainable bar that no man could reach, to settling for much less than they deserve.

Whether men or women are to blame for the lack of partnership, the state of relationships is getting worse each and every day. While Black men continue to indulge in a smorgasbord of dating options, countless Black women remain limited in their choices.

http://www.whywehateblackwomen.com

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